Sense2Love Blog - Home

11th reason to be optimistic

2009-01-05T15:24:00Z

With the start of 2009, I wanted to share a video I really enjoyed watching. Martin Seligman is the founder of positive psychology, a field of study that examines healthy states, such as happiness, strength of character and optimism. He concludes that being happy is not about how fit you are, better looking, or your religion. His studies show extremely social individuals who don’t spend time alone are also in a romantic relationship are happy people. Food for thought.

What positive psychology can help you become

Detox your relationship

2009-01-02T14:11:00Z

I found these tips useful especially after Christmas when the joyful spirit subsides and we have enough of each other.

how to reinvigorate and strengthen your emotional life

Getting crafty

2008-12-20T00:03:00Z

As we enter the most busy part of the year for most of us, finding time to nurture a relationship can be the last thing on minds of many. There's too mcuh to do! Now's the time to pitch in together for holiday success. Getting cards out, or getting presents, or putting up decorations, or simply keeping a residence maintained during all the extra demands can seem daunting. But joint efforts in these areas often relieve stress, encourage further closeness, and can result in some "us" time later on that's more than just collapsing in a heap in exhaustion. This might mean stepping outside your comfort zone and getting creative, making some wreaths or cards or even designing the displays in the yard. Or it could mean anticipating the eventual exhaustion and planning a quiet night with preordered food and entertainment without leaving the house. In any event, best wishes throughout the season, and into the new year!

How lucky am I to be doing what I love?

2008-12-17T16:11:00Z

How lucky am I to be doing what I love?? I’m so happy I can laugh at whatever life throws up at me. I saw this sentence today and thought, that’s me I love bringing people together and have developed a simple, safe way to do this.

I’ve been feeling this energy, excitement for weeks now added by the great feedback we’re receiving around Sense2Love.

A friend of mine just announced he’s got engaged, we truly had all given up on him, a successful dentist who also managed to fit in triathlons, huh what happened I asked?

What happened was he found his love through his networks network, a distant cousin of a friend during a chance meet mentioned he went to biz school with a cool woman still single and offered to make Introductions, Voila!!!!

Statistics show 57% meet their partners through their friends community and 10% online so we’ve increased the chances and also give you information about your dates Sense2Love communication style, information that spices up a fun evening when you meet your match.

We’re having fun bringing Sense2Love, so come and join us, matchmaking made simple.

Enjoying the peace

2008-12-16T03:36:00Z

As we continue through the holiday season, we all know how stress can pile up as the shopping, gatherings, and increased demands can weigh on us all. But for some of us, we thrive on the chaos. It helps us focus, and we feel alive, busy with necessary chores. This is good, helping to navigate through the season. But caution! Sometimes those who thrive on the chaos can't appreciate the quiet times. This not only can be bad because the quiet times can be lost as a result, but sometimes the peacefulness can be unsettling. If that's the case, people sometimes start arguments, or sabotage their partner, to create the chaos that feels more familiar and managable. Strange, but true. If you recognize this pattern, consider what it is that peace causes in you? Is it too much time to think? Is it due to a chaotic past in which you learned how to navigate through the world? Or is it that creating chaos seems under your control, which is preferable to something happening unexpectedly? In any event, find ways to enjoy yourselves and be safe this holiday season!

Adding value

2008-12-13T23:40:00Z

Our blog here has discussed some of the challenges of the current economy on dating. Being cautious with money right now makes sense, and we've listed some activities which can be fun and easy on the wallet as well. One of these ideas, especially this time of year, can be volunteering. Opportunities for volunteering are available not only at established agencies, but even in your own neighborhoods. Helping someone by shovel ing their walk can be such an example. There's such a special feeling that comes from helping others, and when you're in a relationship where you both are working at providing joy for underpriviledged kids or opening up time for an older person who would otherwise have no one to be with, those good feelings can go a long way toward building a relationship. Sometimes that closeness is followed by further closeness, or sometimes working together for a larger goal can be a good way to get out of a rut or to work through other problems within a relationship. Again, best wishes for the holiday season!

Communication styles

2008-12-13T03:56:00Z

To continue a theme with communication being a key factor in relationships, it's not only important to be a good listener. It's also important to understand different listening and speaking styles that people have. An incompatable match might be someone who speaks rapidly with someone who tends to think and mull over what they have to say before speaking. As you might guess, the rapid speaker is going to dominate their conversations. But the situation can be even more toxic if the couple doesn't recognize the attributes of the styles of conversations. Thus, the person who tends to think a bit before speaking may not only get less time to talk, but may be frustrated by the other person's perceived lack of interest in what the deliberate person has to say. Similarly, the rapid speaker may feel that the other person is not listening, as they are not responding in a timely manner, and may state "Why don't you ever listen to me?" which can certainly catch the other person off guard. To further help recognize the different styles of communication, I'd recommend the books of Deborah Tannen. Her first book, You Just Don't Understand was written mainly about differences in communication styles between men and women. Her other books look at communication in the workplace and between other groups, and they're all easily accessable and logical to read. If it seems like conversation often bogs down, but there aren't any big issues bothering you, then it's possible your communication styles need to be acknowledged. Not necessarily changed, but understood. Good luck!

Listening with your senses

2008-12-10T19:36:00Z

When we are in relationships, we find ourselves very often needing to communicate ideas. Often we communicate loving messages, which are not too hard to receive for most. But in those times when we struggle, and we need to work through a disagreement, it seems communcation breaks down. We talk, and hear, but may not be listening. The defenses come up, the responses get planned in our heads, and we hear what we expect the other person to say. Voices can be raised, and old wounds can be reopened. Often, when working with couples, I ask them to listen, and repeat back what has been said. I don't expect them, or you, to do this necessarily during an argument. But it does foster the skill of truly listening rather than building an impenetrable defense to fight back with. And really, if we're having to "fight back" with "defense" with someone we're in a loving relationship with, does that make sense? The abiltiy to trust means the ability to listen without worrying aobut being taken advantage of. Loving listening also is able to not only hear what the person is saying, but is looking for reasons for why the person is saying it. That way, more complete understanding can happen, and arguments are often avoided or shortened, as much of the time a misunderstanding can be fixed with this level of listening. Furthermore, listening while "knowing" your partner is mistaken helps the relationship anyway, as this allows both of you to feel heard and understood. Often couples continue arguments saying the exact same things repeatedly, as if to force the other to recognize them. If you can acknowledge your partner's words in an argument, by listening more than talking, much of the strife can be avoided or quickly resolved. Be good to each other, and best wishes!

Good cheer during holidays

2008-12-08T05:31:00Z

As we enter the teeth of the holiday season, with many groups celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and the Winter Solstice, it seems we're all so busy with the extra duties in addition to our usual routines. It seems as though anxiety is increased this year, as many also are struggling with financial issues as well. And financial concerns often impact intimate relationships, as worries about finances are among the top causes of arguments within relationships. So this year, and maybe from now on, take a vacation! What, you don't have time? You don't have the money? Well, I'm not talking about flying to Hawaii. I'm talking about where you live, each day, take a vacation. Maybe it only lasts 30 or 45 minutes, but we all need some time each day to decompress and clear our heads. And when you take your break, it doesn't count if you sit there worrying about what you have to do a half hour from now. Either get some of those chores done so you can rest, or just assure yourself that you can get to your chores in just a bit. Successfully navigating through the season relies on the ability to take care of yourself so that you can be there for others! Best wishes to you and yours this holiday season!

Finding those spaces

2008-12-06T17:48:00Z

One of the common patterns I hear about with relationships is that they initially start out great, but later on they can start to become more negative than positive. For some couples, that negativity can result from the relationship starting to feel stifling. In that intial phase of getting to know each other, it can be fun to spend nearly every day together, finding out about each other and enjoying that bliss that new couples experience. But sometimes that pattern doesn't move to a more sustainable level. And in those situations, one or both partners may start to feel trapped, stifled by the expectation to give every available minute to the relationship. It seems the healthiest relationships provide the space for each person to have their individual interests and time, as well as finding meaningful time to spend together. This is a pattern that can repeat itself for individuals too, so if you've found yourself moving from relationship to relationship, and continually find you've lost your individuality at some point in your past relationships, consider your expectations when you enter into an intimate relationship. Do you think you have to continually please your partner? Do you feel guilty speaking up for yourself? Are you anxious when your partner isn't around? These can be danger signs for later "neediness" that can significantly damage a relationship. Relationships should be additive, in that they bring enjoyment and support, rather than feeling draining. And during the holiday season, feeling drained is all too easy anyway! Best wishes!

Surprise!

2008-12-05T06:46:00Z

What with all the serious talk lately of what to avoid or not do in a relationship, I thought I better lighten the mood a bit and tell a story about something more successful. I have a friend who's been dating about 6 months now. That's short enough to still be exciting, but long enough to have established some patterns, right? My male friend could be called a "creature of habit" and on a recent date night, his girl was certain she knew what he was going to do: dinner and a movie. Pretty standard date stuff. Which is fine, but, well, standard. As in, not very exciting. Well, he arranged instead to drive her to dance lessons! This was something so out of the ordinary that she had to call all of her friends afterward to brag about what a great date they had! Which, I don't need to tell you, would not have happened if they had gone and seen a movie. Moral of the story: even early in starting a relationship, and even moreso later on in a relationship/marriage, it's vital to keep things interesting. It's also more work, and so often we all just fall into our routines that work, night after night or weekend after weekend. Doing something outside the norm brings so much energy to a relationship, and often pays dividends by giving you more energy as well! So go do something spontaneous this weekend!

Compromising

2008-12-03T19:00:00Z

Continuing on a theme, I find that another hurdle that many find themselves dealing with in relationships is compromise. It's often the case where 2 people in a relationship feel they are doing the majority of compromising! This perception, if not well discussed and managed, can also lead to the frustration and resentment which can later damage relationships. Communication is so important in a relationship, for so many reasons. But it's essential for the inevitable need for compromise. For example, planning a night out is easy when one person does all the decision making. But couples tend to fight over one person having an agenda which does match the other's (fishing vs. family outing, yardwork vs. shopping). A good compromise often results in both feeling they had to give up something, and may result in both feeling some loss, but should also result in both partners feeling their ideas were heard and respected. As the holiday season approaches, and time seems to get shorter and shorter to get all those activites accomplished, compromise is vital to navigate through to the new year! Be well and enjoy the holiday season with each other!

Letting go

2008-12-01T05:50:00Z

As we form new relationships, it can be hard to let go or stop some behaviors which may have hindered past relationships. Trust is a big issue, as we discussed a few days ago. But there are often other significant factors at work as well. I have worked with a couple who were not seemingly compatible, yet they had been together for over 5 years! Further work with them revealed that the woman was very concerned about keeping peace and helping with anything that she could. This allowed the man to relax and take on a very childlike role. As he improved his behaviors, it became increasingly clear that the woman had not expressed her frustration very often, and as a result had grown to resent much about her partner. She was unable to see this pattern in herself until it was expressly pointed out, and even then, she was unsure what to do about it, or if she even wanted to change. She felt she would be giving up the "niceness" about herself, and saw this as too big a price to pay. But she also saw that her unwillingness to change would likely result in her relationship not changing as well. This type of "kindness" can often kill a relationship, as unexpressed frustrations so often become the later resentments. Expressing these feelings so that they can be "let go" can be hard in the moment, but often clear the air and good times can be experienced without the filter of resent. Best wishes to you all!

When you're budgeting

2008-11-30T23:02:00Z

For those of you who are noticing the crunch with the changing economy, this may be of interest to you.

budget dating

Enjoy!

Once you're matched...

2008-11-28T21:52:00Z

Here at Sense2Love, our mission is to help connect people and have successful relationships. One major part of this is our survey which allows us to make matches based on personality traits which are compatible. However, a perfect match is only the first part of the work. As you know, relationships can start great, but fizzle if they are not maintained. One of the additional supports provided here at Sense2Love will be ideas concerning what might be getting in the way of an otherwise successful relationship. For example, trust is crucial for a solid connection between two people. Now, of course there will be few people out there who say they don't trust their spouse or partner. However, it seems some trust issues can linger underneath the surface at times. I've worked with people who deny any trust issues, yet can get into massive arguments over unimportant details. I believe a lack of trust can lead otherwise sensible people to believe that their spouse was attacking them when they were simply asking a question, or to attribute a forgotten task to unspoken anger. This overreaction to toilet seats being left up, or toothpaste tubes not being squeezed "correctly", or to "ignored" questions, likely is a sign there are doubts that your partner has your best interests at heart. If you recognize some of these symptoms, you may want to take stock of your own thoughts about what you overreacted about, to assess your own automatic thoughts about your mate. Is it possible you're punishing your current spouse for what a previous love interest did to you? Thinking about your thoughts may lead to even more satisfying relationships, and can be the key to becoming the person you want to be as well. Be well, and be happy!